Sunday, January 9, 2011

Behind Enemy Lines

God called. It was 3 in the night. I picked up, "God, do you know what time it is? You've been drinking again, haven't you?" He din't laugh. My heart tensed, this wasn't the usual katzenjammer. He seemed anxious, I heard him out. Clearly, this cause celebre was more grave than Global warning. And I bring His message to you.

He explained, that since the origin of mankind, He impregnated differences in Men and Women. Sure Adam and Eve fought a lot, but He wished that we appreciate and learn to love the dissimilarities and how they complete us. He gave us different planets, colors, hobbies, lifestyles. However, recently, men and women have been treading, exploring, crossing the hypothetical line that separates us, gives us our distinct identities. And this has upset Him, tremendously. Upon the breach of the Treaty of Forbidden Trespassing, he came up with The Doctrine of Justifiable Penetration beyond the Enemy Line. In this, He elaborates upon those qualities which He finds "totally un-cool" and are better off with their original patrons.

For example, He pointed out that Men have come to deal with their emotions and are more open about it. Now what the hell is that all about? The fact that you are a Y chromosome inheriting meathead, means that you are not expected to be a sensitive emotional cry baby. Get over a heartbreak or a lost job with dizzying alcoholic consumption and the normal debauchery. Why get all worked up and touchy?
Also, stop watching Romantic Chic Flicks. And wearing pink. And gossiping.

In the words of the Almighty, "Totally Un-cool".

For the 'fe-males', He observed that there has been an alarming rise in the interest levels of women in sports, cricket particularly. Clearly an attempt to involve themselves in mens' conversations. What I can't seem to figure out is what you'll find fascinating in, say, cricket? The Cheerleaders are for us and the players are hairy baldies; obese lethargic old men pushing themselves to their physical limit. Girls, you'll don't have the hormones for this, just get over it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a sexist or a male chauvinistic pig. I just don't get it. Another highly disturbing sport is
Lingerie Football League.
And also the Miss Mighty Mus-cle-sons. The quest for independence has gone a bit too far. Do you'll wish to be able to pick up your husbands? You'll let the gyming and motorcycles be with the men, and focus on being slim, sweet and sultry.

For more details on the doctrine, please contact me on .

It's time to back off into our own territories. Slow down on The Race to Neuterization. God calls upon us to "Do Thy Bidding".

It's not too late.

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